7 years does not feel like 7 years.

I miss my friend. As I sit on my balcony in perfect beachfront southern California weather, I miss my friend. Is that selfish? I hope not, I hope with so many 'I's' in this blog that, that thought is not selfish. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his mocking tone again. Most of all I want to talk about life with him. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's not. I never shared a legal beer with him, I never was able to give him advice on this, or have him tell me that I am being irrational on that. I never will be able to share the experiences I have had, and the people that have affected me, or my ability to have (hopefully) positive influences on the people I see everyday. What do we know at 19?  

It has been seven years, and still I will never forget the transformation that my friend Brian's (Bubba) death brought me, brought us. He was known by many, and loved by the dozens. He was killed at the age of 19, 19. The one that everyone loved, adored, and went to for help, whatever the need may be. He was the guy. Besides my parents he was the oldest and one constant in my life. 

I am twenty-six now, and to this day my life has felt as if I have lived two parts. A life prior to his death and one after. When I learned of his passing, I sat in silence for probably 5-10 minutes, I sat alone not really knowing how to respond. I was 19, ambivalent to the notion of death and at one enraging moment I punched the wall. That was my emotion, anger. Again, maybe thats selfish but thats how I left. However, I will never forget my time before this death, the moment of, and the time after. The moment of having to embrace his father, hug him, and share a disconnect followed be an emotional reconnect is something that imprinted itself on my brain forever. 

This is not about me, however, I feel that out of the experience that this is I can reach back for guidance and knowledge of life's lessons. Money problems, relationship problems, and other issues that matter not, really are small dips in the road. What are we doing? Working for a means to an end? Do we affect people and make the community around us better? The job I currently hold carries a strong ability to affect people in the randomness and most awesome ways. I sometimes take it for granted because at points I am selfish. I slept poorly, I managed my time incorrect and am running a bit late, or did not get to do the things I wanted to do during the day. All of those are not excuses but just what they are, excuses. My job has the ability to change peoples minds, to get rid of their negative feelings about themselves and change their life for the better. It is an empowering notion of self-improvement. It is beautiful actually, and to me if I can facilitate that, it brings about accomplishment that I can share with others and that makes me feel right.

I never got to share this with Brian. He was a beautiful person and made people around him better. I hope when I pass, or when I leave peoples lives that people can respond with 'I was better for knowing him', because I am better for knowing Brian. He was my best friend and cared for me when others didn't. I will never forget him and never let pass the emotions I feel on a constant basis, especially on the 28th of August. 

I love you and miss you.